I miss you

I want to pick up my phone and text you... no, I actually do pick up my phone - but I just don't text you. I don't text you because texting you stopped being my norm when texting me somehow ceased  to be yours.

It's insane,  because I don't quite understand how it got to that point. You told me that life was dry whenever we didn't communicate, that I made your days better, that everyone needs someone like me in their lives...But now I'm wondering if you stopped needing me in YOUR life instead...

And the thing is that I literally can only wonder- because you didn't tell me why- you just stopped. One day your texts were a huge part of my day (my life actually) , your voice -music to my ears- and then before I knew it, they weren't anymore...

Maybe I sound a little crazy, because I sound like I'm lamenting over a mere text message... no, there were phone calls too, long 3, even 4 hr calls... but even  that's not what I'm lamenting over. It wasn't about my phone vibrating... it was about what those three hours meant, and what those black characters on a small white screen actually had the power to do...

Talking to you on any given platform would always bring laughter, euphoria, liberty, growth- and overall - a joy that can't be quantified... you got me, and I got you...

But then one day, the phone calls, the texts... it all stopped.

Maybe it was because we both knew that the friendship was starting to demand more of ourselves than was realistically possible... so maybe we both knew that even if we tried fighting to stay connected, we would be fighting a losing battle anyway... but I think that even though we might have thought we could disconnect by not letting our phones exchange our thoughts,,, I must've not considered the fact that even though my mind can rationalise that this had to be done, my heart doesn't.

My heart still wonders if there's a different reason why you disappeared from my inbox and my call log. It's also crazy because I prayed for God to give me direction as to what your role in my life was, or would be in the future, and that's when you eventually disappeared... so I don't know if this was just an answer to my prayers that I need to accept; or if it's you failing me, failing what special relationship we had, failing our plans that included each other, failing the promises we made to each other to always be transparent and honest when something wasn't sitting right, failing the times you told me I deserved to be respected and treated well... failing to honour every time that you mentioned to me that I was special and that you didn't  plan on having  me  not form part of your life anytime soon... failing to honour vision 2030..? ?

I don't know, every time my heart forgets the rationale that my brain has cooked up, and longs to update you on the fact the it's raining in jo'burg, then I can't help but wonder what explanation to believe... because either way, both explanations tell me not to text you... because I'm either having to respect God's good intervention,  or respect my own dignity by walking away from someone that failed their promises (in which case, if this is the reason- then you should know that I never expected you to be that person and I still don't... because I mean, I know you; you say what you mean and you mean what you say).
So I always end up choosing to believe that it was the same God that hardened Pharaoh's heart that hardened yours... because going against your word is not what you  do, but answering prayers is what God does- and so to show me what your place was in my life, He had to cause you to act out of character...

What this war inside my head simply boils down to is that- I miss you... but I can't text you, can I..??

~ for M~